Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Top 3 Least Gay Moments of 2012

I wanted to do a "Top 5 Least Gay Moments" but I couldn't even think of four moments of 2012 that weren't completely gay. So three non-gay moments will have to suffice. Here they are:

3.) Pepperland

The year was 2012, and I was introduced to the magic that is The Beatles. I was also introduced to peppermint schnapps by my sister. So my friend and I decided to combine the two and journey to the land of submarines; Pepperland. To get there all you have to do is drink an entire bottle of peppermint schnapps and listen to Beatles music. Sometimes it is harder to get there than others. Like at my Beatles party. I hit my head while in Pepperland and it all went straight to hell. Concussions and Pepperland do not mix. That is what I learned this year. Still, I will never forget the first time I felt Pepperland in my friend's basement. I only saw a glimpse. But it was better than never seeing it at all.

2.) Meeting Zach Galifianakis

I went to see Will Ferrell make an appearance in St. Louis for the second time. I was hoping to get his autograph. I failed, as I do with everything in life, but I did manage to get a signature from Zach Galifianikis. Two opportunities to get Will's autograph and I fucked them both up. But at least Zach was nice enough to sign. Will was too busy with stupid news cameras to stop for me. Fuck the news. I blame them. I could have had both of their autographs. But the news ruins everything. Fuck you, Mandy Murphy.

1.) Paul McCartney On The Run Concert

I never imagined I'd get to see Sir Paul McCartney play live. But somehow it actually happened. I didn't get the best seats. I also didn't get the worst seats. I had to go by myself because my friends suck ass. Nonetheless, how many people get to say they saw Paul McCartney live in concert? Probably not that many around here. So everyone can go fuck themselves. I saw Paul and you didn't. And he's bigger than Jesus.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Scott Wilson's Autograph

I got too excited opening an envelope from Scott Wilson of The Walking Dead and ripped the edge of my autograph a little. I have O.C.D. so I'm angry at myself. It was odd though because last night I was just thinking of how I'd never get a response from him. It is still cool, ripped or not. Thanks, Scott! You are the best character on the show!

Scott Wilson's Autograph

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

"If Bill Cosby was my Dad"

“If Bill Cosby was my Dad”

Written by Ryan Wells

If Bill Cosby was my dad
We would eat lots of pudding pops
We would always make silly faces
And our googly eyes would never stop.

If Ru Paul was my mom
She would also be my dad
When I grew up I’d never call her
Because she is a dirty drag.

If Obama was my brother
And I assure you he is not
I’d tell him to shove his health care
Because people bitch about it a lot.

If Oprah was my sister
She’d hide a Pontiac under my bed
She’d try to buy everyone’s love
For this I’d wish she was dead.

If Will Smith was my uncle
I’d tell him he sucks at rap
I’d never go see his movies
Because they all are crap.

If Wanda Sykes was my aunt
I’d punch her in the face
Because none of her jokes are funny
And she is a disgrace to the black race.

If Morgan Freeman was my grandpa
I’d tell him he’s old as f--k
That he has the strangest freckles
And his teeth are kind of yuck.

If Samuel Jackson was my grandma
He would want those snakes off the mother f--king plane
He would curse and yell to be funny
But really he is just lame.

If Bill Cosby was my dad
Boy, would I ever be black
But that would be okay
As long as were not related to Shaq.

Monday, December 10, 2012

"If Mel Gibson was my Dad"

Not many people know this, but I am a huge Mel Gibson fan. I wrote a poem about him last year and decided to share it with all of you. I hope it is an enjoyable experience.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
We would live in a golden house.
I would not need a mother
He would not need a spouse.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
I would serve him breakfast in bed.
He would look me in the eye
And tell me he wished all the Jews were dead.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
I will tell you what he would do.
He would take me to the circus
He would take me to the zoo.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
We would put on silly hats.
We would go dancing in the rain
And shout swears at all the blacks.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
We would play catch in the park.
We would laugh and play
Until the light turned to dark.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
He would drive me home while drunk.
He would go on rants about Jesus
Until we reached my bunk.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
He would tuck me into bed.
He would sing me a lullabye
And he would pat me on the head.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
He'd start yelling at a tree.
He would tie a belt around his neck
And reenact scenes from "Lethal Weapon 3".

If Mel Gibson was my dad
He would come in late at night.
In one hand he would hold some liquor
And in the other hand a knife.

If Mel Gibson was my dad
He would drag my body in the yard
He would sacrafice me to Jesus
And bury me in the ground so hard.

Mel Gibson was my dad
And we had a lot of fun.
I bet you wish he was your dad
Now that my story is done.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

In Memory of John Winston Lennon

I will be listening to John Lennon music all day in memory of one of the greatest and most legendary musicians in the history of the world. We miss you, John. Your music and memory will live on forever.

"The Comedy of John Lennon"

"Happy Xmas (War is Over)"

"Here Today"

"Love is all you need."

Thursday, December 6, 2012

"Help!" Screen Captures

I took a few screen captures from the 1965 film "Help!" starring The Beatles. Sorry about the quality. The movie is not yet on Blu-ray.

"Help!" Pictures